meesasometimes | my little outlaw.... (Reply)

( I wrote this post days ago, I thought it odd that no one commented....I guess I marked it private. stupid)

Well having just read

milly_gal 's post, I wanted to just talk about my Dean love. I mean that's really the thread here isn't it? How devestating it is to see this person that we are ridiculously, wonderfully and obsessively devoted to come to this end. It's hard to describe but I know you all know.

I remember gearing up for the very first episode of the show, seeing the previews (a scary ghost show with Eric Brady!!! YES PLEASE) I'd seen Jensen around and always admired that view, from DOOL, Dark Angel, and Dawson's Creek. I remember I had popcorn. It ran in the same time frame as the first season of Ghost Hunters. I would record one on my VCR and watch the other. Then I ran 2 VCRs because I wanted to watch live and I wanted it taped too. I stil have old VHS tapes of the show. I loved the brothers. Both of them. But Dean had me from Wendigo, with his smirk and his dirty mind and his "sweetheart" and that fucking car. HOT HOT HOT.

My life was changed dramatically and unexpectedly during Season 3. I started watching the show all day long just to get myself thru the days. It's the only thing that made me happy. That year for Mother's Day Wendy bought me my first set of dvds, Season 1. I figure it takes what 2 days to watch a Season, I probably watched that Season over 100 times in succession , not even kidding. It was the background of my grief. You'd think this would be a bad thing but no, it's the thing that kept giving me hope.

I remember that spring, Dean went to hell, it felt much like this does, I told Wendy I needed his name tattooed on me, I couldn't stop obsessing about him in hell, I would cry over it spontaneously. I took a little strip of leather, wrote his name on it, tied it around my ankle, I physically could not bear not having some link to him on my body. I said I would not take it off until I got his name tattooed on me, until Dean Winchester was inked into my skin FOREVER. I don't know why I needed that so badly, but I did. I could not bear the idea that he could be taken away from me (stupid writers).

Actually, that is making perfect sense suddenly.

I got my first Supernatural tattoo in Sept by a guy in Portland Maine who specialized in horror tattoos and had a Metallica jacket hanging in his space. I've heard he's made it big in some rock band now.

I loved Dean Winchester. I wanted to do his laundry (with fresh scent Tide*kink*) and make him grilled cheese. I wanted to mother him badly. This was real love people! When I finally discovered slash and lj WOW, it was a whole new world opening up to me. It is hard to tell someone how much these "fictional characters" mean to me. I don't just know them from the show. I know them from 10,000 stories, where they have been EVERYTHING and ANYTHING and ALL THINGS. Dean is the archeotype of all things perfect to me in all his imperfection. Wincest became and will always be my happy shiny place.

I guess what gives me peace and solace is that this can't be taken away from me. These thousands of beautiful and sometimes heart wretching angst filled shmoopy ridiculous epic hurtful kinky terrifying stories live inside me now, they are intricately woven into who Dean is to me as a hero, a son, a brother, a lover, a broken soul.... thank you writers and thank you artists for this, it's a gift of such magnitude there are NO thankyous big enough.

I love Dean Winchester, and I will never have room in my heart for another fandom or another OTP or another man. Simple as that.

My dragonfly,
my black-eyed fire, the knives in the kitchen are singing
for blood, but we are the crossroads, my little outlaw,
and this is the map of my heart....
excerpt from Snow and Dirty Rain by Siken