a little good news today....aka the state of my vagina (do you all get fisted at your pap smears?)

[meesasometimes]

I am going to overshare...but if I can't overshare with you guys, who can I indulge with? If you are not interested in the state of my cervical cells and vagina, move along. You've been warned.

I GOT MY FIRST OFFICIAL CLEAN PAP SMEAR EVER!!!!!

This sounds like I'm a pap smear slacker, but no, I'm not...I dutifully get my pap ever 2 years, and every time I get a call from the office saying it is "inconclusive" not abnormal mind you, just "inconclusive", retest in 6 months. Sometimes I have retested, sometimes not. When the only thing that ever happens is "inconclusive" it's like what's the point already.

Cut to this spring, married=new insurance=finally having a doctor that gives a shit=pap smear.

Dr. - when was your last pap?
me-???? they never come back right so I kinda stopped doing them
Dr. - you've had abnormal paps? ALARMED
me- no, just inconclusive, EVERYTIME, and it takes them like forever, I mean I've watched Kathy Griffith get a pap on TV and it was like 15 seconds, I've had people down there poking around for half an hour before.
Dr. - Thats....ok, I'm just going to send you to Karen, she's a midwife, we call her the vagina whisperer.
me- she can take her turn.

Karen had her turn, I layed on that table with my ass hanging off and feet in the stirrups, she tried to make small talk, but I was just nope, just tell me what's going on down there. Is my cervix tilted or what. I know it's "far away and hard to get to".  She's like no I'll get to it.

PULLS OUT THE SPECULUM after failed attempts and SHOVES HER WHOLE HAND IN!!!!

me-WHOA
her-sorry, *pulls out* but I got
me- it's ok, I just wasn't expecting that.
me- well, I see we we're just going to become the best of friends, let's do this again next year.
*hugging and laughing*

now, luckily for her my vagina can handle that kind of abuse *g* it's all the imaginary sex I have with Bad!Sam.

Cut to Dr. visit a week later where she tells me I have diabetes *boo hiss* AND.....drumrolll.......INCONCLUSIVE, we're going to have to do another pap. I know you told me it was tricky, and Karen actually came up to me later and told me that it was THE HARDEST PAP SHE"S EVER DONE. awesome. SHe said she had to (makes the whole hand fisting motion, i'm not kidding) like she was palpating for a pregnancy or something. Yes, yes, that is what happened alright.

10 mins later, I'm back in position for Karen to try again.
her-well I can't believe I didn't get it.
me - yeah, me neither
her- well, I warmed up everything for you (there are 5 different speculums sitting next to her, it's like I'm in a horror movie)
her- we got the outside cells, but not the inner and they're the most important ones. (different specs are going in and out, and she's swabbing away)
her- I'm going to try and catch it with the narrow speculum.......it's just that it's wiggling around so much....oooooo I've got it, nope it just wiggled away.
me- I'm sorry, I have no control over it. I cannot make it not wiggle
her- it's just you have an extra long vaginal canal (YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT lol), and your cervix is narrow because you've never had children.

eeeeerkkkk stop the buses

me- yeah, I do actually
her- shocked....oh, c-section obviously
me- ummm nope I pushed that kid naturally
her- out of THIS CERVIX?
me- geeesh I wish my vagina would have snapped back into place the way my cervix apparently did.
*laughing* sorry, it's probably wiggling again
her- wiggling is good, it mean there's probably no hard tissue holding it in place, and on a good note, everything is so high up, you're internal muscles must be phenomenal, you're uterus is NEVER going to be hanging out your vag. (AWESOME news)

her- lets try this, I really want to make you bleed.

ummmm what????

her- I always know I've got a good sample if I've got blood, You also have a long cervix and I don't think I'm swabbing far enough in.

she pulls my feet out of the stirrups and puts them up on the bed with my knees bent, I am practially bent in half like a pretzel, I have never been in this position before, not even in my most vigorous sex moments, and unless Dean is behind me muttering a string of dirty filth in my ear and holding at least one of my legs while Sam pounds into me (it just came to me, I don't think about that all the time *g*), I never want to be again.

she triumphantly pulls out a bloody swab. four samples get sent away, she swears that if she didn't get it this time she deserves to be fired. I whole heartedly agree.

The letter came today. YES! now I have two years off.

Comments

[alexisjane.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't know about you but I feel exhausted after that! I think you and Karen deserve a medal as well as the 2 years off.

So glad you got the all clear Hunny and congrats on officially being padacock compatible ; ) x

[meesasometimes.livejournal.com]

right? I might just squeek it out to 3.

I've always suspected I was padacock compatible *G* :P

[meus_venator]

Oh Jesus! I had the same thing with the extra long cervix. They changed speculum's, had to dust it off it was used so infrequently and what a difference. No pain, just done. I was also told I had a tilted, curvy cervix. I'm sorry the change in speculum didn't do the trick, it's not like you're hiding an Impala up there… are you?

[meesasometimes.livejournal.com]

I'm hiding a cervix up there is what I'm hiding?

Excuse me while I oil up this rusty old speculum that has been sitting here for eons, lol. The things we go thru as women.

[philomel.livejournal.com]

you're uterus is NEVER going to be hanging out your vag

Congratulations...?

Wow, I've had some inconclusive paps (last one led to a colposcopy -- fun times), but never resulting in anything remotely THAT extreme. Holy crap. Let's hope there isn't more pretzeling and fisting in two years' time.

p.s. Thank you for the message. It helps immensely to hear how you and others have coped. I want to reply more in depth, but wanted to say sometime in the meantime. ♥

[meesasometimes.livejournal.com]

Let's hope there isn't more pretzeling and fisting in two years' time. I fear it will be more of the same, I will go in next time well stretched out and nice and limber XD, I'm going to just wrap my let right around my neck. ♥I'm glad I can help you

[ephermeralk.livejournal.com]

Eeep. I don't think I'd go in for pap smears either if that was what I had to go through.

On the positive side: no one wants a prolapsed uterus--so YAY.

negative: I'm sorry you have diabetes :(

I'm pretty sure my vagina could not take that, so well done there.

[meesasometimes.livejournal.com]

it's usually just a half-assed PA's effort, no one's gone at it with quite this level of determination before, guess that makes me lucky?

the diabetes sucks, but I'll be OK, I've struggled with my blood sugar for years and I feel AMAZING now on medication.

vaginas are amazingly elastic

[stir-of-echoes.livejournal.com]

Yikes. No wonder you put them off, just yikes. But yay! for the all clear and the two year break.

[meesasometimes.livejournal.com]

yeah, it never sounds like a fun day, but hooray!!

[milly-gal.livejournal.com]

*holds aching sides* I know this shouldn't be funny, the subject etc, but only..ONLY on my f*list can I open a post that reads...a little good news today....aka the state of my vagina (do you all get fisted at your pap smears?)

...*hands* I got nothing, accept well done for the clear smear test! ;)

[meesasometimes.livejournal.com]

it's true, only on lj...and well done on your inspiring fandom room!!!! It's awesome :)

[milly-gal.livejournal.com]

Thanks hun :D It just tickled me, but thank goodness you're all clear, I had one where I had to have pre-cancerous cells removed, and then the next one cancerous cells removed, so I understand the worry that goes with waiting on the results *hugs*

[meesasometimes.livejournal.com]

eeeekkkkk, cancerous cells are scary. I don't have any estrogen related cancers in my family so I don't worry about those too much, however, my father has had many a polyp removed from his colon, so stay tuned for that headline, I DO see a colonoscopy in my future and I have no doubt it will be a comedy.

[milly-gal.livejournal.com]

It was a royal scary pain in the arse (speaking of LOL) and I had to have a test every four months for two years *ick*

[meesasometimes.livejournal.com]

that's hard living your life in tiny intervals, you get this little breather and then anxiety for the next test, I did that with my lymphoma. But you're past all that yes?

[milly-gal.livejournal.com]

Yep, I'm all good, got three all clears in a row they put me back to once a year (usually here it's once every three but just in case)

[counteragent.livejournal.com]

Yay

[meesasometimes.livejournal.com]

YAY is right! I worked hard for that YAY!

[certainthings.livejournal.com]

Oh wow. I hope she bought you a drink after.

[meesasometimes.livejournal.com]

it's the least she could do isn't it? where's the romance anymore?

[certainthings.livejournal.com]

It is, that is so sad that she didn't. For shame and tsk tsk.

[somersault-j.livejournal.com]

Seriously, I looked at the headline sideways, not understanding a damn thing with my English language difficulties (German here). Only read fisting and vagina...dude, I read fics with fisting and vagina. Jumped in here not knowing what it's actually about.

DUDE, really, I'm so sorry, I have tears in my eyes, I did laugh out loud and I really, really want to hug you right now.

Karen is really devoted to her job, huh? I'M GOING IN, NOTHING IS GOING TO STOP ME!!

*takes a breath* Sorry to hear about the diabetes, good to hear this swap finally turned out in the all clear.

and unless Dean is behind me muttering a string of dirty filth in my ear and holding at least one of my legs while Sam pounds into me Me in stirrups will never be the same again *shakes head*

[meesasometimes.livejournal.com]

I'm glad I can make everyone laugh today, it's both horrifying and funny. Karen is the man!!!

I have to make the stirrups fun somehow :)

Sorry this wasn't the het fisting porn you were expecting, or was it? :P

[herminekurotowa.livejournal.com]

O.O I never had any problems with a pap smear test.

Also never got fisted. Is it fun?... with Karen? O.o

[meesasometimes.livejournal.com]

thankfully Karen is a fan of lube. lol

[supernutjapan.livejournal.com]

Oh my... you definitely deserve more than 2 years off for that.
Karen - what a character - didn't quite turn out to be the "vagina whisperer" for you aye? My goodness.

Your write up of it though - my god - I couldn't stop laughing - mostly with disbelief but still.

You definitely need that Dean/Sam fantasy going for next time. (wait - maybe not a good idea?)

[meesasometimes.livejournal.com]

Karen- not vagina whisperer but vagina dominatrix !

I expect her to be dressed appropriately in black leather next time, a thigh high boot wouldn't hurt.

[supernutjapan.livejournal.com]

I LOVE the way you think :D

[casey28.livejournal.com]

I've had problems with getting a pap smear, too, but nothing like what you've gone through! Yay for having two years off, what a relief for you. :)

[meesasometimes.livejournal.com]

women are put through the ringer on everything. It's just not fair. But for the next to years my vag is going wild!!! (I have no idea what that means;P)

[maerhys.livejournal.com]

\o/ That is most excellent, bb.

[ames1010.livejournal.com]

Karen is a trooper!!!

[applegeuse.livejournal.com]

This was incredibly entertaining to read and made me cringe in sympathy more than thrice. XD

I'm glad you got good news, bb! <3