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I am going to overshare...but if I can't overshare with you guys, who can I indulge with? If you are not interested in the state of my cervical cells and vagina, move along. You've been warned.
I GOT MY FIRST OFFICIAL CLEAN PAP SMEAR EVER!!!!!
This sounds like I'm a pap smear slacker, but no, I'm not...I dutifully get my pap ever 2 years, and every time I get a call from the office saying it is "inconclusive" not abnormal mind you, just "inconclusive", retest in 6 months. Sometimes I have retested, sometimes not. When the only thing that ever happens is "inconclusive" it's like what's the point already.
Cut to this spring, married=new insurance=finally having a doctor that gives a shit=pap smear.
Dr. - when was your last pap?
me-???? they never come back right so I kinda stopped doing them
Dr. - you've had abnormal paps? ALARMED
me- no, just inconclusive, EVERYTIME, and it takes them like forever, I mean I've watched Kathy Griffith get a pap on TV and it was like 15 seconds, I've had people down there poking around for half an hour before.
Dr. - Thats....ok, I'm just going to send you to Karen, she's a midwife, we call her the vagina whisperer.
me- she can take her turn.
Karen had her turn, I layed on that table with my ass hanging off and feet in the stirrups, she tried to make small talk, but I was just nope, just tell me what's going on down there. Is my cervix tilted or what. I know it's "far away and hard to get to". She's like no I'll get to it.
PULLS OUT THE SPECULUM after failed attempts and SHOVES HER WHOLE HAND IN!!!!
me-WHOA
her-sorry, *pulls out* but I got
me- it's ok, I just wasn't expecting that.
me- well, I see we we're just going to become the best of friends, let's do this again next year.
*hugging and laughing*
now, luckily for her my vagina can handle that kind of abuse *g* it's all the imaginary sex I have with Bad!Sam.
Cut to Dr. visit a week later where she tells me I have diabetes *boo hiss* AND.....drumrolll.......INCONCLUSIVE, we're going to have to do another pap. I know you told me it was tricky, and Karen actually came up to me later and told me that it was THE HARDEST PAP SHE"S EVER DONE. awesome. SHe said she had to (makes the whole hand fisting motion, i'm not kidding) like she was palpating for a pregnancy or something. Yes, yes, that is what happened alright.
10 mins later, I'm back in position for Karen to try again.
her-well I can't believe I didn't get it.
me - yeah, me neither
her- well, I warmed up everything for you (there are 5 different speculums sitting next to her, it's like I'm in a horror movie)
her- we got the outside cells, but not the inner and they're the most important ones. (different specs are going in and out, and she's swabbing away)
her- I'm going to try and catch it with the narrow speculum.......it's just that it's wiggling around so much....oooooo I've got it, nope it just wiggled away.
me- I'm sorry, I have no control over it. I cannot make it not wiggle
her- it's just you have an extra long vaginal canal (YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT lol), and your cervix is narrow because you've never had children.
eeeeerkkkk stop the buses
me- yeah, I do actually
her- shocked....oh, c-section obviously
me- ummm nope I pushed that kid naturally
her- out of THIS CERVIX?
me- geeesh I wish my vagina would have snapped back into place the way my cervix apparently did.
*laughing* sorry, it's probably wiggling again
her- wiggling is good, it mean there's probably no hard tissue holding it in place, and on a good note, everything is so high up, you're internal muscles must be phenomenal, you're uterus is NEVER going to be hanging out your vag. (AWESOME news)
her- lets try this, I really want to make you bleed.
ummmm what????
her- I always know I've got a good sample if I've got blood, You also have a long cervix and I don't think I'm swabbing far enough in.
she pulls my feet out of the stirrups and puts them up on the bed with my knees bent, I am practially bent in half like a pretzel, I have never been in this position before, not even in my most vigorous sex moments, and unless Dean is behind me muttering a string of dirty filth in my ear and holding at least one of my legs while Sam pounds into me (it just came to me, I don't think about that all the time *g*), I never want to be again.
she triumphantly pulls out a bloody swab. four samples get sent away, she swears that if she didn't get it this time she deserves to be fired. I whole heartedly agree.
The letter came today. YES! now I have two years off.
I GOT MY FIRST OFFICIAL CLEAN PAP SMEAR EVER!!!!!
This sounds like I'm a pap smear slacker, but no, I'm not...I dutifully get my pap ever 2 years, and every time I get a call from the office saying it is "inconclusive" not abnormal mind you, just "inconclusive", retest in 6 months. Sometimes I have retested, sometimes not. When the only thing that ever happens is "inconclusive" it's like what's the point already.
Cut to this spring, married=new insurance=finally having a doctor that gives a shit=pap smear.
Dr. - when was your last pap?
me-???? they never come back right so I kinda stopped doing them
Dr. - you've had abnormal paps? ALARMED
me- no, just inconclusive, EVERYTIME, and it takes them like forever, I mean I've watched Kathy Griffith get a pap on TV and it was like 15 seconds, I've had people down there poking around for half an hour before.
Dr. - Thats....ok, I'm just going to send you to Karen, she's a midwife, we call her the vagina whisperer.
me- she can take her turn.
Karen had her turn, I layed on that table with my ass hanging off and feet in the stirrups, she tried to make small talk, but I was just nope, just tell me what's going on down there. Is my cervix tilted or what. I know it's "far away and hard to get to". She's like no I'll get to it.
PULLS OUT THE SPECULUM after failed attempts and SHOVES HER WHOLE HAND IN!!!!
me-WHOA
her-sorry, *pulls out* but I got
me- it's ok, I just wasn't expecting that.
me- well, I see we we're just going to become the best of friends, let's do this again next year.
*hugging and laughing*
now, luckily for her my vagina can handle that kind of abuse *g* it's all the imaginary sex I have with Bad!Sam.
Cut to Dr. visit a week later where she tells me I have diabetes *boo hiss* AND.....drumrolll.......INCONCLUSIVE, we're going to have to do another pap. I know you told me it was tricky, and Karen actually came up to me later and told me that it was THE HARDEST PAP SHE"S EVER DONE. awesome. SHe said she had to (makes the whole hand fisting motion, i'm not kidding) like she was palpating for a pregnancy or something. Yes, yes, that is what happened alright.
10 mins later, I'm back in position for Karen to try again.
her-well I can't believe I didn't get it.
me - yeah, me neither
her- well, I warmed up everything for you (there are 5 different speculums sitting next to her, it's like I'm in a horror movie)
her- we got the outside cells, but not the inner and they're the most important ones. (different specs are going in and out, and she's swabbing away)
her- I'm going to try and catch it with the narrow speculum.......it's just that it's wiggling around so much....oooooo I've got it, nope it just wiggled away.
me- I'm sorry, I have no control over it. I cannot make it not wiggle
her- it's just you have an extra long vaginal canal (YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT lol), and your cervix is narrow because you've never had children.
eeeeerkkkk stop the buses
me- yeah, I do actually
her- shocked....oh, c-section obviously
me- ummm nope I pushed that kid naturally
her- out of THIS CERVIX?
me- geeesh I wish my vagina would have snapped back into place the way my cervix apparently did.
*laughing* sorry, it's probably wiggling again
her- wiggling is good, it mean there's probably no hard tissue holding it in place, and on a good note, everything is so high up, you're internal muscles must be phenomenal, you're uterus is NEVER going to be hanging out your vag. (AWESOME news)
her- lets try this, I really want to make you bleed.
ummmm what????
her- I always know I've got a good sample if I've got blood, You also have a long cervix and I don't think I'm swabbing far enough in.
she pulls my feet out of the stirrups and puts them up on the bed with my knees bent, I am practially bent in half like a pretzel, I have never been in this position before, not even in my most vigorous sex moments, and unless Dean is behind me muttering a string of dirty filth in my ear and holding at least one of my legs while Sam pounds into me (it just came to me, I don't think about that all the time *g*), I never want to be again.
she triumphantly pulls out a bloody swab. four samples get sent away, she swears that if she didn't get it this time she deserves to be fired. I whole heartedly agree.
The letter came today. YES! now I have two years off.
